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Is a Cheating Boyfriend Able to Change Due to Cancer Diagnosis?…

Posted by Marty on May 14th, 2012

I just received this email from a woman looking for some help with her problem.  Here is her situation and my response to her so far…

 

Not sure you are ready for this one.
A rocky relationship for 4 years. He had cheated and was taken back, cheated again and was taken back, each time we were broken up, he would sleep with the same girl that I knew. I had finally had enough (yes I was a fool) and began to move on.
When he was diagnosed with a grade 3 brain tumor, when he told me he lived life wrecklessly and wants to marry me, when he asked me to stand by his side through this, told me he was sorry and sees everything clear now… was a fool for returning?
When asked what had happened while we wre apart, knowing I didn’t want to return if he had gone back to the same girl again, he said know. We agreed on a fresh start… I loved this man, and a brain tumor? What was happening, where did I go? …. I came back.
Month or so down the road, once my brain had cleared a little from dealing with his cancer and the shock from it, I find out, he did indeed sleep with this girl once more. I am months into it now, feeling stuck, scared because of the cancer, scared because he has changed so much, hurt because I can’t get over the past, WHAT DO I DO? Tell me from a man’s point of view… this is all just going to happen again isn’t’ it?
From
The Fool.
First of all, I don’t want to refer to you in the name that you signed below.  I do not think you are a “fool” because I believe that you are following your heart.  I would not fault you for following your heart.  Instead I will call you “confused”….
Let me first start with some basics that I believe you presented.  You care about him .  You have been with him.  But he has cheated on you with this other woman multiple times.  He has started with a life-changing event with the onset of cancer and may be looking at his life different…
Now…  Let me offer two scenarios that come to my head.
One…  the bad side.  He knows that he can lead you on and keep you available, or with him, and get away with it.  You have not held him accountable and it does not sound like he is taking the pain that he is causing you seriously.  For me, that he has repeated the same beahvior and sees no real problem with it worries me.  He has been diagnosed with a likely terminal condition.  Now, how does he take that.  Does he want to spend that time with someone that loves him and takes that relationship seriously?  Or does he act selfishly and only consider himself and do what makes him feel good because how much longer does he have…
Two…  the good side.  I am a believer in Christ and as a Christian, I believe that everyone, no matter how lost, can make the decision to put themselves in a better path of life.  That it is possible for a “cheater” to no longer be a “cheater”.  That if he REALLY sees that he has been selfish and realizes that he needs to change, he can change.
This second scenario does require you to make the choice to accept what has happened in the past, at some level, and be able to move on and work on your relationship in a positive direction.  If you can’t do that, you need to move on, no matter how painful.
I have to be honest and say that in my personal (guy’s) opinion, I do not get the impression that this guy is at that point in his life that he sees the errors of his ways.  As a guy, I do not get the feeling that he will change and stop sleeping with the other woman.  I think that if he would have done so, it would have happen once he got the news of his diagnosis.  As a Christian, I hope that he will come to understand the changes that he needs to make to have a chance at some level of stable relationship.
I ultimately think that you need to not be intimately involved with him anymore.  I think that you care enough for him and have enough of a past to keep being friends and be there for him, as a friend, during the time of his life that includes lots of visits to doctors and hospitals.  I think that you can do way more for him as a friend than a bedroom stop.  If that level of friendship is not acceptable to him, you have your answer that he is only in to you for one thing.  And that would definitely show you that you are better off to move on.  Your body and sexuality should not be taken advantage of.  If he was really committed to marry you, considering the past he already did to you, he would not have slept with the other woman again after that.
I hope that this helps to some level.  Please feel free to ask me more questions if you have some after reading this.
Also, please stay in touch and let me know how things go and what you decide to do.
Marty

Ladies: Why Acting More Feminine Will Help You Find Love

Posted by Marty on March 7th, 2012

I came across this article and thought it was an interesting point of view since we have so many women with successful careers now.  This offers a different point of view on what may cause issues for the working business woman and her search for true love.

excerpt…

If you’re a smart and successful woman, being professional, in charge, driven and strong are masculine traits that bring you career success. You’ve been able to reach key goals and objectives, and may even have been promoted to positions of greater responsibility. But, if the love you desire has eluded you, the recognition you receive for your hard work can’t make up for what’s most important in life – true love.

Letting your masculine energy be dominant makes it easier for your feminine energy to become dormant. Losing touch with your feminine energy keeps you from love because men find femininity attractive. Applying masculine traits to love is a losing proposition if you want to be loved, cherished and respected.

Musicgoal.com – Great Online Radio/Music Resource!

Posted by Marty on February 24th, 2012

If you are looking for an online music resource to listen to all kinds of music from all around the world, you really should check out musicgoal.com.  This is a very comprehensive list of online radio stations from around the world.  You can find anything from top40, to country, to dance and more!

So if you want to spice up your online time with some great music, check them out!

http://www.musicgoal.com/

Old Software Versions Library Website

Posted by Marty on January 17th, 2012

If you have every wanted an older version of current software and didn’t know where to find it, this weblink is for you.  I was looking for an older version of a screen capture and edit software and came across this website.  So keep this one in mind if you ever need to look for old versions of software.  This is a golden list!

http://www.oldapps.com/

People of Walmart website…. Got to visit this one!

Posted by Marty on November 2nd, 2011

In case you have not been to this website, it is important at this time to point it out.  If you can appreciate the humor and oddity of some of the people that shop at Walmart stores around the country, you will LOVE this site.  I don’t know which is better….  the pictures of the people or the comments that are posted about them.  Either way, check this one out and enjoy.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Great FREE Pumpkin Carving Templates from Disney

Posted by Marty on October 19th, 2011

My kids are HUGE Phineas and Ferb fans so when I found these templates on Disney’s website I had to share.  I made a Phineas pumpkin and one of the Ferb template as well.  The kids were super excited and I have to say, they turned out pretty well considering I have never tried anything like this before.  So if you are looking for some great ideas for a pumpkin carving this year, I would check out these great FREE templates.

 

Here is the link…

http://family.go.com/printables/disney-halloween-pumpkin-carving-templates-photo-gallery-pg/

Text Message Confusion… Why won’t he text back?

Posted by Marty on August 16th, 2011

This email was just sent to me…

Hi Marty,

I will thank you in advance for taking the time to answer my question. Here is my dilemma in an abbreviated version.

I met a guy, he texted me the next day and we did the text message thing for a couple of days. Then we traded pictures through email since we live two hours away from each other. Pictures were totally innocent, nothing wild. He told me that I was gorgeous and that we should meet sometime. We texted back and forth again for a couple of days and when it was getting closer to the weekend he asked what my plans were and I told him that besides work, I didn’t have much planned for the weekend. He asked when we were going to meet and I told him that I didn’t know but, then asked him if he would like to meet for dinner, and then he said yes. I then wrote him and told him that we could meet at a restaurant that was at a town half way for the both of us, that way we didn’t have to drive two hours to meet, and then “ZZZzzzzzz” nothing, never heard from him again. Now I feel weird about trading pictures and the suggestion of meeting for dinner. That was 4 days ago, should I contact him or just let it be?

Sincerely,

Confused girl!!!!!

 

Confused Girl,

Thank you for telling me your story and allowing me to offer a guy’s view on this one.

I think to best approach this one I will look at it in two ways.  First, I will look at it from the positive way.  So let me try to put myself in this guy’s shoes and think about if I met a woman while I was at a party two hours away from where I live.  We had the chance to talk at the party and we seemed to hit it off so we exchanged phone numbers.  We text each other and even send some pictures (innocent ones) to each other and now it comes time to meet for a real date.  So you have texted to meet for this date and now 4-5 days have passed and he has not answered.  I am on your side with this one, that this is very odd that he has not responded.  If there had not been so much texting and then the emails with pictures I could say that maybe you just got the wrong impression compared to what he thought.  But his actions up to this point show that he is very interested in you.  So the best “positive” thing I can think of is that he is just busy and missed the chance to send a message back to you.

Now for the negative perspective…  Honestly, I am feeling like he is already in, or just began, a relationship already.  I hope that I am wrong for your sake, but I would be VERY cautious moving forward in this one.  He could be married or in a relationship and was just looking to have a friendship with you.  This friendship could take on many levels in today’s electronic age with texts, emails and webcams and he may have been trying to just keep you on the side.  My gut feeling is now that you pushed to meet for dinner that takes this relationship into the next level of dating and he can’t do it.  Again, I hope that I am wrong.  But this all smells odd to me and I wouldn’t want you to over commit.

So what is my opinion for what to do next?  I would give it a couple of more days so that it has been about a week since you last heard from him.  Then I would text him a very general text and see if he responds.  Don’t bring up the meeting at the restaurant thing.  That may give him the impression that you are getting on his case.  Just text him with a general, “Hey, what’s up?” kind of thing and see if he responds.  If he doesn’t, blow him off and move on.  Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about the pictures you have sent him.  Luckily none of them were x-rated from what you said before.  But if he won’t respond to emails or texts it is not worth your time to even worry about him.  You need to understand that this has nothing to do with you and it is his loss.  He is the idiot that lost his chance to really get to know you.  But maybe he will respond.  Maybe I am wrong and he is not a “player”.  I hope that  I am wrong and this is all just a misunderstanding.  But my gut tells me to give him one chance and then move on.  And even if he does respond, I would move forward with caution.

 

I hope that helps.  Please keep me up to date with what happens.

 

Marty

Addictive Web Games Link

Posted by Marty on August 6th, 2011

I was shown this weblink to be bale to play some simple games that are sure to help you blow some steam and just relax.  Hope that you enjoy them too.

http://gamestransformers.com/


Click to Play!

“Unsure” – Relationship question

Posted by Marty on July 9th, 2011

I am 34 and dating a man. Yeah me. Lol. We were great. He was loving and sweet and umm, interested. Things were perfect. He wanted marriage, to be a father figure to my kids and calls my mom: mom. He moved in with me. One day I went to work and came home to all his things gone. He came over later that night and told me he couldn’t do this. Any of it. It was over. Confusion!! We said I love you and kissed goodbye this morning and it’s over? I was hurt and didn’t handle it with the dignity I should have. Next day- texts from him. “did you make it to work ok today?”  Day after that- he came over and hung out for a while and spent the night. Day after that- he wants to be with me but exclaims an inability to live with a woman. Whatever. I tell him all the things I worry about- is the bond of trust broken? Whenever I leave will I worry he will be gone again? Plus the hurt this has caused will not go away overnight. I talk to him about this and we decide to try and work things out. A few days later I tell him I will put everything behind us. I don’t want to be judged by the drunken parting (nothing bad- no name calling or anything but crying did ensue) and I was sure he felt the same way about what had transpired. So- he doesn’t leave. He is staying with me again but leaves his things where ever he leaves them but keeps his bathroom stuff and a few changes of clothing at my house (clothes in backpack).

I can’t get past the feeling that things are different but that is to be expected- right? I still love him. We don’t fight or argue. We generally have a lot of fun together. We talk about everything but ..us. He disappeared for a couple days. Calls me to come get him and I do. Tries an explanation about his daughter’s phone but I have been chatting with her. I let it go. I tell him I don’t care if he needs time to think about things- we all do sometimes. I just tell him to communicate next time. No, I don’t think cheating was remotely involved.

Now, it’s been a couple of weeks since he initiated sex, kissed me passionately and he stopped in the middle of saying “I love you” and has yet to say it again (been 4 days). I asked if he was happy he came back and he said he hadn’t really thought about it. He has been a bachelor for 3 years and had a bad divorce. Trust issues with women for sure. I am trying to be understanding and give him some space but I am not doing well with questioning what is going on.  I ask questions to get a glimpse of where he is and he avoids in-depth answers.

I understand emotionally scared. I am not a complainer and am very supportive. I take good care of my partner- not financially but in every other way. He does things for me as well, spends time with my kids and Is physically almost always there. What my question is- wtf? Is he through? Is this a normal thing to go through? As I mentioned before- I understand. I was in a bad relationship for over 10 years- I see it as a learning experience instead of a tragedy. However- I have a thing about wasting time. Every relationship I have been in since has ended by my choice when things get beyond my want to work things out. I chose men I knew I would not get attached to and that I felt would not get overly attached to me so things would be easier in the end. This is not that case though. I really love him but I will let him go if he is not in it. I don’t want him just physically around- I want him. What do I do? What is going on with him? Am I too close to see it’s over?

First of all, I will refer to you in my response as “Unsure” because I don’t want to use the name in the email you sent the question from to respect your privacy.

The first part of your story when he just moved out without you even knowing it was coming sounds like everything was going well up to that point.  In fact, unfortunately it may have been going too well and it spooked him.  That would be my guess from how you described what happened.  You two are doing well together, he is getting along with your kids and even calls your mom “mom”.    Then for some reason, it clicks in his head that this is leading him into the “hell” he was in with his bad marriage that led to divorce.

This most likely has nothing to do with you, “Unsure”.  And I don’t honestly feel that you will be able to fix this, on your own.  You never can.  He has to be able to move on at some point to move forward and progress into a new relationship with you.  He doesn’t have to do it alone.  You two can talk things through or maybe even get a professional counselor involved or even talk to your pastor.  But every successful relationship is a two way street.  It can’t be just you trying to work on the relationship and he goes along for the ride.  That being said, you have to be cautious not to thrust this on him as this is all his fault and he needs to get over it or move on.  This is VERY important…  IF you come across as disrespectful, even if completely unintended, you will push him further away.  I highly recommend to you to read a book called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  This book can offer a lot of help, for both you frankly, to better understand what each of you needs in a relationship.
Now he is keeping this at just the right distance.  He keeps his clothes in a backpack so he can quickly leave again if it feels wrong again.  And it keeps him from feeling too committed to the relationship.  It has been a couple of weeks since he has initiated intimacy and won’t say  “I love you”.  All the “walls” are up, BUT he is still there!  THAT is the most important part of this puzzle.  If he was really spooked and did not want to be with you, he would not be there.  My gut?  He wants to be with you, he wants to be there for your kids, but he doesn’t realize he never really closed and moved on from the ex-wife.  I do not mean to make that sound like a small, easy step for him.  But he needs to make that progression in order for you two to move on.

That is my answer for you, “Unsure”.  I don’t know if it helps or makes you feel better.  And I welcome you to email me back if you want to discuss it more.  PLEASE look into the “Love and Respect” book.  That can be a huge help for you.  And please keep me up to date with how things progress.

Marty

My Joke Home.com – Great quick stop for a daily laugh

Posted by Marty on July 5th, 2011

I just found out about this website and I love the sense of humor it offers.  It can also offer some political opinions, which I happen to agree with.  But the biggest part of the website offers a light-hearted joke or two to help make your day a little happier.  I hope that you get the chance to stop by and check it out.

http://www.myjokehome.com/

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